Eating Disorders: A Common Problem From an Uncommon Perspective

Writing this post was not easy for me. In fact, when I read it aloud a week ago, it was the very first time I had actually heard my own voice articulate these details and parts of my story. And it wasn’t easy. Before writing this, no one knew about my struggles in the area of eating. It’s hard to open up. But if my story can benefit others, if by me being honest about the things I’ve dealt with somehow inspires someone else to take a step in the right direction, then it’s worth it to me to open up and share my story with you.

Eating disorders.

Eating disorders are ravaging this country from pre-adolescents to adults. So many people in this country suffer from some kind of eating disorder and daily struggle with the dark spiral of body image issues that accompany it. By titling this as something written from an “uncommon perspective” I don’t mean to say I am someone special. It’s more that I feel like so many women talk about this issue and try to raise awareness which is great, but as a male who has suffered from eating disorders for years, I have often felt like I couldn’t relate to anyone.

I didn’t know who to talk to because I didn’t think other males suffered from this. I thought I was alone.

As it turns out I’m not. And that’s why I want to take some time to tell you about my journey. And by doing so, I hope it helps someone else. More than anything, whether you are male or female, I want you to know that you are not alone and that people will love you for who you are not what you look like.

My journey began about 7 years ago, when I was 15 years old.

My father was a great man… A giant and almost an idol in my mind. He played in the NFL for 6 years and he was incredible. I also had a brother who was three years older and a great football player and valedictorian. Needless to say I did not grow up in a house full of average males.

Now I want to emphasize that my father never put any pressure on me to be great or to follow in his footsteps. No pressure was ever put on me to be amazing… by my family. I took care of that myself. In fact, I created a ton of pressure on myself. I had impossibly high standards I placed on myself as I tried to measure to up to the men my dad and brother were. And it didn’t help that well-meaning people at school including teachers would ask me things like “when will you be as good as your brother” or tell me all about my dad’s accomplishments and then continue to praise him like a god.

And more than anything I wanted to be like them.

There was one small problem though; going into my sophomore year of high school I was 165 pounds. My dad was a 325 pound brick wall and my brother was a 240 pound workhorse. Needless to say, I was a little off the mark. The pressure I placed on myself to be big, strong, and massive like them pressed in all around me in an almost suffocating way. I wanted so bad to be big like them. I had to be. And yet when I looked in the mirror, I saw myself as the runt who was never going to amount to anything.

This developed into my first eating disorder: Muscle Dysmorphia.

I was convinced I could be great, I just had to get bigger. So the summer leading into my sophomore year I ate, worked out, ate, worked out, ate, and ate on a never ending cycle. Often times I spent 3-5 hours in the gym and almost all the rest of my time eating. I hardly had time for anything else in my life. I would  check the mirror and scale constantly, I was an addict. I was literally eating about five pounds of lean protein a day. I just couldn’t get enough food in. I would eat so much I couldn’t move. I remember times where I would go get a three-pound sandwiches from subway, eat it there and then get in my car and eat two pb & js and a container of chocolate milk.

That was one meal. 

 

 

I was miserable, but I could not stop because I was haunted by the runt I saw in the mirror and it drove me to push myself farther and farther into this negative pattern… I had to be the best and I couldn’t take living in anyone’s shadow

It got so bad that sometimes I would throw up after a meal. So what was my solution? I would punish myself, and I would eat another meal and push myself right to the verge of puking again but I would swallow it back. I hated it and myself for not being more gifted like my dad and brother. This seemed to be the only path to become more like them. Before I knew it, I was finishing my junior year at 270 pounds.

I put on 100 pounds on purpose. 

But that summer, I realized I was topping out and throwing up more frequently… as in, on a daily basis. I felt like I was horrible and I was so mad at myself every time I threw up. I looked at it as throwing up my future and viewed it as a failure.

Then one day a switch came on, and unfortunately it wasn’t a healthy one. I puked one morning which was no surprise, but there was something in the vomit that day that scared me to death. My throat was so raw from the all the vomiting… I threw up blood.

That is when I knew I would never be as good as dad or my brother and realized I would be sacrificing my body in the worst way if I continued down this avenue. It was a heartbreaking realization, but it was the truth. It took me a little while to come to terms with it, but eventually I could accept football was not my path to escape the shadow cast over me.  I had to find another avenue… but what? I lost something so dear to me. It was crushing

And this is when my self-image started to shift in another bad direction.

For so long I had pursued nothing but the single focus of getting bigger. But it was always for a reason and purpose. Now suddenly with the realization that I would never achieve the greatness that my dad and brother had, all this weight had no purpose. And I started to see myself as nothing more than a gross blob. I was ashamed. I felt horrible about myself. I was terrified of even my family seeing me without a shirt. I thought I was worthless now. In my mind, I had I failed and now I had all this mass on me and nothing to show for it.

That’s when I began to try to lose weight, and I actually made progress. By December of my senior year I was down to 240 lbs. But I just couldn’t see any change, no matter how hard I looked. I still saw a blob. I felt like a loser. I saw nothing attractive or lovable about myself… I didn’t think I was handsome or ever would be desirable in any way.

 

 

 

Early January 2012, I was 18 and out of high school and I didn’t know what to do with myself or who I was. I saw very little value in myself. Then I fell into CrossFit. And it gave me something to work for. It helped me find motivation, a purpose again. It gave me an escape from the shadows I had let myself live under. Of course I wanted to compete pretty much immediately. I was awful at first and it kicked my butt… I threw up a lot but I was used to that at this point.

The weight started to fall of fast but there was a problem, I still hated who I was. I was convinced I had to be shredded to be good or loved. So I would never touch unhealthy food. I would avoid it like the plague. The problem with that was is there wasn’t any joy in any of it and when I did finally decide to have a cheat meal, I broke and I broke hard.

It was like I was a drug addict, but my drug of choice was sugar.

I could not stop myself. I would eat a gallon of ice cream in one sitting. And of course I would feel bloated for days. I hated it and it made me hate myself even more. I could gain nearly 10 pounds in a weekend then battle for two weeks to get it back off.  What was my solution to this binge eating like a mad man? It was easy, I would make myself throw up. If I had a cheat meal, I got so angry at myself I could barely stand it.

To punish myself I would eat more until I knew I would throw up. I would make myself throw up until nothing but bile would come up so I felt like I got rid of all the calories. I was addicted to my self-loathing and punishment, I thought I was an idiot because when I ate something bad, it felt like I was derailing myself. I couldn’t escape. I was addicted to the cycle – give me my drug and then I’ll hate myself.  I didn’t know how to get out. I couldn’t love myself because I hadn’t “arrived” yet. It was a miserable experience. I would make progress, self-sabotage, then punish myself. I felt like the bulimia owned me and the shadow was inescapable.

And it was inescapable… on my own.

But through CrossFit and the amazing people around me I learned something. I finally learned that I mattered and I was loved, so loved. It didn’t matter to them what I looked like. I learned how to enjoy the journey as cliché as that sounds. Through the community and finding that acceptance isn’t attached to me arriving at a destination, I found that I loved myself and I could appreciate the progress I was making.

I no longer feel like I have some shadow over me that I can’t get away from. I have learned that moderation is key and that I shouldn’t be mad at myself for enjoying life a little. I can have a cupcake with a smile and then walk away, I don’t need the box and I don’t need to throw up. I feel so free because I have control of my life. I still monitor what I expose myself to because I know how slippery the slope gets. I will always have to be careful because it’s an issue that has had complete ownership of me in the past. I am free, but I also make intentional choices to stay that way. And now I feel like I love myself and I can enjoy my life without being scared of food. You have no idea how good that feels.

Where am I at after this seven year journey? I am 22 and right at about 200 pounds and I’m so excited to be here. I am a competitive CrossFit athlete and even had the honor of competing at CrossFit South Regionals in 2015. I am a CrossFit level 1 trainer and thrive on teaching, empowering, and coaching others.

I have only just recently gotten to this point in my life where I feel so much freedom. The CrossFit community, particularly Premier has been a huge part in helping me love and accept myself. It’s such a positive atmosphere and one that has helped transform my thinking. I am able to eat healthy the majority of the time and also have a few treats along the way without binging. And I can just avoid situations where I have unlimited access to my drug. I can now appreciate and enjoy where I am at in life, even while still striving for more, because I finally don’t feel like I have to be there tomorrow or that I don’t have value until I get there.

Humans are not a perfect species by any stretch of the imagination. All of us have flaws, quirks, or things we do not like about ourselves. Life is about learning to love one’s self and finding ways to improve yourself whether it’s mentally, physically, or spiritually. But the hardest part is to fall in love with the process of chasing your goals and love yourself no matter where you are at on you journey. If you cannot learn to appreciate where you are at and how far you have come you will never have that point of “arrival” and celebration for having done so. You will always be wanting the next thing or be on to the next stage.

So if there’s one thing I could say to someone who has struggled with eating disorders of any kind… Anorexia, Bulimia, Muscle Dysmorphia, binge eating, or any other eating related problems it’s this: You are not alone. You are not defined by this. You can find freedom. You are loved. And you have tremendous value. I hope in some way, my story resonates with you.

Love yourself and love the journey.